@ 2:03PM
We had storms yesterday. There were some brownouts and then the power got knocked out for a little bit. Thankfully it came back on quickly enough.
It showed me that I really rely on the internet for tracking and making decisions about the weather. There was a radio club meeting last night I was hoping to go to and so I was glued to the radar for a few hours trying to figure out if it'd be safe enough to drive to it. We eventually decided against it as it was hard to tell how the storms would move through and while I can drive in rain just fine, 70mph cross winds can be a challenge. Without access to radar, I might have just gone ahead and gone and I don't think that would have been the right decision. I definitely went over my internet cap with refreshing it and reading NWS briefings but I don't regret it. Weather is one of those things that keeps me from just going full dumbphone and zero screens. I can get basic info from the radio still - thank god and for who knows how long - but I learned most of what I know using radar and I don't know that NWS hazardous weather outlooks would quite be enough. But then again who knows? It could be me overestimating how much help it's actually giving me.
I know that's been the case with YouTube so far. I thought I'd be really struggling not to get on YouTube at this point but mostly I just think of that unsatisfactory feeling I usually had when I spent time on it and it makes it less appealing. I haven't really missed the creators I watch that much and it's mostly been fine without them. I'm not sure they're worth that feeling in all honesty. Especially when I stop to think about whether I want so much of my life to revolve around consumption and media. I'm not sure I do.
Though, I do seem to be gaining a little weight. Which, if you've not been following my health woes, you might not know is kind of minor miracle. I've been losing weight pretty much continuously since summer 2024 after a particularly bad catamenial anaphylaxis episode that landed me in the ER. With my GI issues, I often struggle to have enough of an appetite to eat as much as I should because I just think about how crappy it's going to feel coming out. But with not being on my laptop as much, I noticed I've been a lot hungrier and eating more. I think some part of me is looking for stimulation through eating that I was getting through screens/internet. And the hunger feels real, it's genuinely difficult to tell the difference between it and "real" hunger. It's distracting and persistent.
A similar thing happened to me when I quit drinking. The first time I stayed sober through a weekend I would have spent binge drinking, I got so hungry. Absolutely ravenous. In many ways chemical and behavior addictions are different but there are ways in which they're similar. I wasn't really expecting this so it kind of spooked me honestly. Like oh, this has actually been functioning similar to an addiction in my life. There is something happening on biochemical level and there's only so much I can do about it. It makes me wonder if I shouldn't wean off more than I have been already.
I know there are healthier forms of stimulation out there but they're also more tiring. I've resorted over the last couple days to rewatching Fruits Basket (2019), which I have a local copy of, just to have something chill to watch because reading and even listening to audiobooks has felt too draining some times. I love reading but it is cognitively demanding. Or I guess the stuff I like to read tends to be. It could be selection error. I could probably do with finding some chill series to read or listen to when I'm less with it. My sleep has been poor. Some of that is my usual health but I do think some of it's been the reading, I feel like it keeps my brain more active at night than it otherwise would have been and I'm not sleeping as well on account of that. I try not to read anything too demanding before bed. Maybe if i read more consistently, it'd calm down a little. Hard to know. Just thought it was an interesting side effect I hadn't expected.
I haven't been writing much. Here and there a little but nothing noteable. Most of what I've been writing are these updates. Who knows, maybe I'll compile them into a zine at some point. I could see myself wanting to read someone else's journey with rebalancing their relationship with the internet, media, and screens. But yeah, it's been a little disappointing. I think one downside seems to be that I don't get inspired by stuff I watch because I'm not watching much. I have been inspired by stuff I've read a few times but it's been less than I thought it would be. Maybe visual media is just punchier or pushes more of my buttons so I want to respond to it more - I'm not convinced it's worth it just to write a little more.
I also haven't written letters to people I've meant to. I'm not sure why. I feel quite a bit of resistence to it. I think part of it is that my letters often take me a bit to write and here and there I've had some go missing lately. Cuts to USPS have been hell for non-commerical mail. So it's tough to want to spend an hour pushing through hand cramps to send off a letter that might never make it to the person I sent it to. And then even if it does, there's a low likelihood they'll reply. Which is fine and I understand, people are going through so much these days, but it does make the process less appealing and a little incomplete. I've been nervous to try writing political prisoners because when I did it before, I know there's a ton of ways to mess it up and often the prison won't tell you or the prisoner they didn't deliver it. I should probably push through and give it a shot. I keep considering restarting Postcrossing and then I don't. I loved doing it but I also just feel kind of tired when I think about it. But maybe with a little help from Ria I can pick it back up. I think I need something. I worry about getting too isolated.
The mix between craving stimulation and being so damn tired is difficult. I think it's got to be a big reason why those of us who are chronically ill and somewhat housebound wind up in unhealthy relationships with our screens. I wonder if the answer for me is a longer "drying out" period than I initially planned. Though it's not even halfway through the month so who knows, maybe there's more improvements to be had.
I'm glad I'm not using YouTube today. It's definitely one of those days where my general irritability and fatigue would translate into hours of looking for videos with "the answer", to make me feel differently, and never really finding it. I think it's better to just sit with it, to just know that's what's going on and not try to escape it or fix it. I mean it's normal after all and it's not wrong to feel it. It's a good challenge to the perfectionist side of me that always wants my mind and body be better than they seem to be. I can see now that what's really driving that impulse to watch stuff is loneliness, to connect even if even in a one sided way. I want the sure thing (videos) rather than the unsure thing (letters, emails, other people generally). I'm glad I'm not one to fear being lonely. There's so much media that talks about it's negative impacts, like forming meaningful relationships should be on your to-do list and stat. But I think it's kind of a nice feeling to sit with personally. I mean sapphics have made a whole culture out of yearning. Yearning for casual connections is nice too. Yearning for humanity is kind of pure.
I think one of the things media feeds prevented me from engaging more with is my own growth. It's been nice to have a break and get reaquainted with my inner mechanisms. I mean at the very least, it's interesting. And that's ultimately more connective than videos. Knowing how I work helps me know how others likely work to some degree too. And that's what I like offering others when I can; a psychopomp for the psyche. This is the work. I'm glad to do it. Even when I'm tired as fuck.
Anyways, I hope anyone reading this is doing well! May your own yearning be sweet.