I am, admittedly, struggling with this declutter so far. And I knew I would. I guess the way in which I am is surprising me some. Probably shouldn't but hey, we all like to imagine that we are somehow different or better on occassion.
I just got in from spraying our gravel driveway with a vinegar salt mixture to knock back the sludge and the grass that's trying to overtake it. We call it "making pickle grass" and I do indeed smell faintly of pickles still. I'm not feeling the best today and normally I would focus on resting and staying inside but after three days of doing almost nothing but reading I just had get up and do something. This is one way in which I'm both interested and nervous to see how this whole experiment impacts me. Because while the laptop definitely isn't always the best for my mental health, it does keep me put. Without something as appealing to keep me entranced, the bed feels far more limiting.
Part of what's making the experiment difficult is the fact that while I enjoy reading and crocheting and writing and meditating and all the stuff I've been doing, I don't really feel much enjoyment when I'm doing it. I know people will go "it's the dopamine" but it's a frustrating misconception. Dopamine is an anticipatory neurotransmitter and the issue isn't a lack of motivation to do these activities - I am doing them. Its just that I don't feel all that great while I'm doing them. I get bored quickly. And that's not that big of a deal if you've got a job to occupy you for a good portion of you day, but when your whole day is a vast expanse to fill in a very limited number of ways - gotta try not to hurt yourself or trigger a flare or do your best to just get through if you already have - it's tougher. I think people who work roll their eyes at this sort of thing because they can't imagine the constant pain or threat of pain that hovers over all of this. It changes it.
Including the experience of boredom apparently. When I get bored, I can here the internaliszed ableism more clearly now. It's louder and harder to tune out. "You're not that bad off. You could push through and work but you're just so privileged and you don't want to. God you could at least earn your keep by doing more around the house. You wouldn't dislocate things if you'd just pick stuff up properly. You're stomach stuff isn't even that bad today - are you sure you weren't overreacting the other night. You're just not trying hard enough." It is a constant stream. And I think it's part of what robs these activities of any real joy. They just feel like what I'm doing instead of what I should be doing - something more productive. I haven't earned it so I can't enjoy it but I still go through the motions because I don't really know what else to do anyways.
I have been reading more and more openly than I have in the past. I finished Transcription by Ben Lerner (hated it so much) then read the first volume of Cat + Gamer as a pallate cleanser. That was fun so I borrowed the first volumes of The Adventure Zone and Scott Pilgrim from Ria and read those. I'm also listening to Wild Dark Shore by Charlotte McConaghy (55% through, a solid 3.5) at 1.25s speed as I crochet blocks for my couch afgahn (about 75% finished). When I "had less reading time" before, I focused on longer books I wanted to read. But when there's so much time to fill a quick little graphic novel goes a long way to breaking things up. I think audiobook is what I'm using to get that feeling of company I was using YouTube for but it's not parasocial or trying to sell me things which feels like an improvement. I've mixed up my bedside pile: Air-Borne by Carl Zimmer, A Guardian and A Thief by Megha Majumdar, and volumes 2 of Scott Pilgrim and the Adenture Zone. I am allowing myself to watch shows I have local copies of which isn't much and I'm not really reaching for it much because they're all things I've watched a ton. I thought I'd be stuck on them more but a new audiobook is edging out old favorite TV shows for the 40th time. I guess without the novelty of YouTube and social media, I'm craving it moreso in books.
I meant to try having a totally screen-free day yesterday but I spaced and asked Ria if she wanted to play Stardew together (which we did). I'll try again next Sunday and see how it goes. I'm not really finding myself craving the internet as much as I thought I would. I'm not pining for mastodon or even YouTube really. I'm just irritable. I feel more sensitive and for no particular reason. It doesn't feel like chemical withdrawals I've gone through but the fidgetiness is familiar. I think I could really use getting back into walking. It's been tough with the allergies, the AQI, and the heat. But I feel like I could be making a more genuine effort. I need to talk to my mom about possibly borrowing her treadmill when I want to talk during the hot parts of the day. I was walking around my kitchen a bunch but that started to hurt my back from all the turns and leaning.
I'm noticing that I'm thinking less about things I want to buy these days. Normally, I'm thinking of ways we could improve the household and that often involves stuff but with staying off the internet as much I haven't really thought like that the last couple days. The house is fine and fine is just fine with me. I will say I've considered grabbing a bookstand so that I can read while I eat and I can just forego rewatching old shows altogether but we'll see. Mostly its nice not to see my home as a constant project that needs improving. I like that I'm not imagining it through the eyes of guests we never have. It just is.
I worried at first that my challenge didn't go far enough, wouldn't be uncomfortable enough for me to see how my habits were impacting me but I think what I picked is probably right on the level I can handle at the moment. The boredom is real and unpacking the ableism is difficult. Figuring out the mix of activities that help but also don't worsen my conditions is plenty of a challenge on it's own. I think it's all doable.
Hope everyone reading this is well and your hobbies are a joy to you.